Introduction

Let's just start with this: I love zombie movies. I could say it all started with Army of Darkness, though technically that's not a zombie movie and there are no zombies in such said flick. Or I could say it started with my earliest childhood cinema memory of a flick that I think involved zombies in a swamp, but the exact details and the title of such flick have long eluded me. I don't know, I just know I have come to love zombie movies.

I prefer the living dead to any other Hollywood (or in most in this genre far, far from Hollywood indys) monsters. Frankenstein's monster? Retarded. Vampires? Too gay (though I'm a huge Buffy fan). Werewolves? Don't even get me started. Give me the walking dead and a happy camper.

Now this love has brought me into conact with many zombie flicks, and it's showed me something else: there is a right and a wrong way for zombies to be. Hollywood has been bastardizing what zombies should be, and I'm here to tell them "fuck you, that's not a goddamn zombie and we know it."

Zombies act and move in a very specific way. How our heroes (the still living) deal with them isn't going to be all that different from flick to flick. How zombies spread and how you put them down doesn't change, it's not really that open for interpration.

What makes a zombie?

  1. Staggered and slow movements. They're the living dead, not track stars. Continued atrophy will do that to a ghoul.
  2. Brain damage. These things have died, lost the flow of oxygen to the brain, and come back. They shouldn't know how to open a door, let alone use a weapon.
  3. Hunger for flesh. That's what a zombie wants. Don't ask why, they just do.
  4. Rotting flesh. They've died. They're decomposing before your eyes. Their vital organs don't have the ability to regenerate cells and heal. They rot, they stink.
  5. They feel no pain... or remorse. If they do they're aren't intelligent enough to register it. Smacking a zombie in the head isn't going to make them say "ouch", and they aren't going to not bite you if you used to blow them in high school out of old feelings.
  6. Slow movements. It's so important I have to say it twice. They can't run dammit!
  7. Shitty hand-to-eye coordination. Because of impaired brain activity they can't manage the simpliest of tasks. They don't swim, they don't jump, they can't climb a ladder. They can barely stand back up after knocked down.
  8. Head shots and fire = one dead zombie. That's it. Crack open their skull, put a bullet through their brain, burn them until they stop twitching are the only ways a zombie should be put to redeath. Decapition is still debatable.

And that's that.

Now my task in all this is to sift through the zombie flicks and rate the zombies on their zombie qualities. I'm not rating the movies, giving them a "Must Watch" or "Avoid at All Cost" ratings, because there are so many other sites that could do and do a much better job than me (even Amazon.com) so I'll stick to just the zombies in question (though I will give my 2 cents on the movies if I just can't help myself).

I'm rating a movie zombie, not rating a zombie movie. Got it? Good.

Other important info:

  • George Romero Zombies or Voodoo Zombies? There is a huge difference, and in general I'm going to focus on just the Romero style, the "walking dead". Voodoo zombies aren't actually the undead and most rules above don't apply (like putting them down and magic crap), and I'm not all that fond of that kind of zombie. I will rate some of those zombies from such flicks, but generally I'll stick to the Living Dead.
  • Where am I getting my view on what a true zombie is? My long standing opinion mostly, but some of which has been solidified by the Walking Dead comic book and the Max Brooks book The Zombie Survival Guide. Both basically support my belief of what zombies should be like, outside of cinema of course.
  • How can you tell me I'm wrong or what movie zombies I should rate next? Once I get enough reviews posted and have time to do more I'll put my contact >here<. For now keep your ideas to yourself.
  • Who the hell do I think I am to comment on this stuff? Just another guy with access to the internet. That and I've had the long work-in-progress zombie story in the works for about 7 years, so I'd like to think I have an idea on the subject.

Now read those ratings!

Zombiefuqua